Aku jadi rimas dengan perkara-perkara yang terjadi depan mata. Tiap kali terjadi mcm tu, aku jadi too filled up with guilt and remorse. Dan juga rasa kesian amat sangat pada seorang insan ni. Either dia funding kegiatan itu tanpa disedari atau dia sedar dengan apa yang terjadi. Kalau dia tak sedar, aku kesian sangat. Kalau dia sedar, lagilah aku kesian. Kadang-kadang kita ni, bila bercakap mudah aje tapi bila nak buat tu susah. Like the phrase goes, it's easier said than done. 

Aku mungkin rasa aku boleh buat kalau aku jadi dia tapi aku bukan dia. Aku tak pernah ada in the same boat as he. Aku tak pernah rasa apa yang dia rasa. 

Jadi kadang-kadang aku rasa diri ni macam telan mati mak, ludah mati bapak. Tak cakap tapi berada bersama mereka buat aku rasa amat berdosa sekali. Dah kira aku ni bersubahat. Nak cakap tapi tak tahu macam mana nak mula dan juga aku ni siapa. Cuma orang luar aje. Tapi aku tahu perkara ni memang tak elok. Perlu ditegur dan kalau boleh dihentikan semuanya. 

Aku pernah lihat mereka berpimpinan tangan, berpelukan dan juga dia mencium dahi dan pipi si dia. Truthfully, aku jelek banget! Come on, hubungan adik beradik kandung mungkin begitu. Tapi relationship 'abang-adik' yang baru mengenali diri masing-masing for God knows just a few years tu, tu cuma sandiwara saja. Dan adik beradik tak tidur sebilik sekatil. Astaghrifullah. 

Jantung ku berdetak kencang bila lihat mereka masuk ke kamar yang sama. Pada waktu malam, aku selalunya melelapkan mata. Bukan kerana aku mengantuk tapi aku paksakan diri untuk tidur kerana tidak mahu rasa kecewa dengan perbuatan mereka. Tapi still, setiap pagi aku akan rasa seperti jantungku has been ripped out and shred to pieces. 

I mean, as much as I may say I hate her. Yes, I do. Probably because she's not like my mum, whom after what my dad did to her, despites all the heartaches, never even did the same thing as she did. But she is still the mother to my husband. Someone very essential and has an important presence in him. I can't bring myself to hate her that much even if I tried. 

I'm beginning to miss a lot of people. A LOT. People who are a part of my life but has since gone away.

I miss Khairul Anuar aka Wentworth Miller; for the times spent on the phones conferencing with Viva. The hell funny times. 

I miss Nirah. Even though we are living so close, we rarely meet up. And the hours of just chatting on the phone. Just talking. Anticipating one another's presence. The hours of laughters. I didn't realise I miss that until she called me yesterday. Hell, the things we share with one another...the jokes, the super funny incidents that I wouldn't share with other people. I shared it with her. 

I miss Amin Lalat. The super kelakar fella who while conferencing with me and Nirah forgot that he was heating up lauk ayam yang cuma tinggal seketul ayam je and had the whole kitchen filled with smoke and lauk hangus. Periuk filled with kerak lauk yang hangus. Hahaha. I miss his goofyness. Amin Lalat terbang tinggi-tinggi, terbang tinggi-tinggi tak sampai ke awan sebab Amin Lalat. Hahaha. Personal joke share amongst us. 

I miss Vin. Just for being Vin. The cheerful, sweet girl. That one time we went shopping with Naj. Fun times. 

I miss bestie of course. His melatahness, just for being him. Have I told you how much I love a guy who melatah. I miss him, for just being him. I miss the times we would just kutuk one another, and chat on msn. Now it seems like he's endlessly busy. 

I miss Ena. I never thought I could find another person who share the same thoughts as me. But I did. I found it in her. The minah persona online is just her. But if you see her and hear her voice, the word minah definitely won't cross your mind. She is so sweet. She is so vulgar at times. She is my Syg. We sms-ed one another calling one another syg. I just click with her. 

I miss Banji. His cuteness. His merepekness. His talkativeness. Just Banji. Him getting high on just brownie. Haha. 

I miss PG, Ami, Nyek. For just being them. The super cuteness. I miss chatting with them. I miss having my fm on and they're in it. I miss the times we just spend together online. 

I miss the Gylers. Back when Faizul and Naz were still with us. Honestly, I can't say I don't miss them. Even though Faizul is like super merepek now. And Naz no longer with adeQ. Just miss the 6 of us. 6 was a perfect number. I'm not saying 4's not. But I just miss the old times. The rollin' old times.

God, I feel so old.

It seems like I'm missing a lot of people.

Wonder if they miss me too.